As a South African, if it hasn’t happened to you, it’s happened to someone you know. I’m not talking about getting hijacked or mugged; I’m talking about getting screwed over by Discovery. I’ve had friends and colleagues recount tales of rejected claims for dentist appointments, allergy medication, and important surgery. And yet Discovery remains the largest medical scheme administrator in South Africa. What’s up with that?

After a brief and horribly expensive stint on Discovery Health, I swore to never come back. And yet I later joined Discovery Life (where they’re much more generous, probably because the chances of paying out are so low). But there was method to my madness. My goal was to take advantage of all they had to offer. My goal was to get my Vitality status from Blue to Gold in 30 days. Here’s how I did it.

Hacking Vitality

The first thing you’ve got to understand is that getting to Gold (45 000 points) won’t happen by doing the little things. Simply going to the gym (for a maximum of 15 000 points a year) or buying healthy food (for a maximum of 750 points a month) won’t work. You need to go all out.

Start by completing all the online assessments you can. That means declaring you’re a non-smoker (5 000 points), doing a personal health review (2 000 points), a fitness assessment (1 000 points), and a mental wellbeing assessment (2 500 points). It’ll take you an hour at the most.

Then go out and get the assessments Discovery actually pays for. Seeing a nutritionist gives you 5 000 points. Going to a pharmacist for a Vitality Check gives you 2 500 points (boosted to 14 000 points if your weight, blood pressure, cholesterol, and glucose are in the acceptable range). While you’re there, throw in an HIV test (5 000 points), a flu vaccine depending on the time of year (1 000 points), and other tests depending on your gender and age. My favourite is the Vitality Fitness Assessment. No more than 45-minutes of your time gives you 3 000 points (boosted to 15 000 points depending on how fit you are). One week later and you’re already there.

All that glitters

Once I got to Gold, I also signed up for a Discovery credit card to keep the rewards coming. That means I get to train at one of the country’s best Virgin Active gyms for less than R50 per month. I also get 8% off everything at Pick ‘n Pay and another 25% off healthy food. Oh, and being a Gold member on Vitality also means 12% off everything at Clicks. Add that to the double points every day thanks to my Clicks credit card and we’re dealing with a whole lot more cash back!

According to my Quicken financial records – yes, I’m one of those people – my loyalty programmes earned me over R5 000 in 2011. That more than covers the premiums and credit card annual fees (which don’t cost anything else since I pay the balances off in full every month). It’s always nice to get rewarded in a currency you can actually use just for doing what you would have done anyway!

What’s love got to do with it?

Simply put, customer loyalty programmes are a game and who wins depends on how much time and effort you take to play. It’s like Warren Buffet said: “If you’ve been playing poker for half an hour and you still don’t know who the patsy is, you’re the patsy.” In other words, unless your cash rewards exceed the premiums or fees you pay, you’re losing out. (I don’t count the miles on programmes you can never redeem; they’re just as bad as non-exchangeable gift certificates from stores you don’t use.)

The Economist published an article on Discovery explaining that “participation in the programme more than pays for the rewards”. That’s only possible is if some of us aren’t winning the game. What a pity! There’s absolutely no reason why every single Vitality member shouldn’t be basking in the glory of Gold. They’ve even gone ahead and created a guide to help! Yes, it can be a bit of a schlep to set up appointments that fit into your work schedule, but it’s totally worth your time.

I’m hereby calling for an anti-boycott of all customer loyalty programmes. Let’s use them as much as we can! Since they’re making us pay, we might as well make them pay too.

Eugene Yiga is a  member of SAFREA. Follow him on Twitter @eugeneyiga