Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink. That’s the saying, and it’s a fitting one. We are drowning in our own sewage in Johannesburg, water running between the toes of children in a struggling children’s home. This is the story that started my week. It’s not often my friend loses his rag, but this was exasperating. Committing to help a children’s home and not even being able to get inside without walking through crap is just too much. Thank you for seeing it through, Tom London.
‘Water, water everywhere, not a drop to drink’, comes from Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s 1798 poem The Rime of the Ancient Mariner; we misquote it. It’s actually NOR a drop to drink. The actual words are about a crew of sailors trapped on boards floating on the ocean, fleeing from their sinking ship.
I can write my own, apologies Sammy Coleridge: ‘Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink; water, water in South Africa will leave you in a stink. And Zille will swim in the middle, and who’s missing? That will be Cyril. There’s no great riddle, Joburg’s on the fiddle. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.’
We have had water warnings across Greater Gauteng, from Bez Valley all the way to Bronkhorstspruit. The excuses are the best; one says a tree stump did it, the other says they forgot to faggah HTH, baba. Remember when we had Edwin #DryTaps Sodi?
Water tanker business
Well, now the water tanker business has moved in-house and crooksters are doing it for themselves. R107m over three years, doesn’t sound like a lot, does it? Then we hear certain people are put on gardening leave instead of being fired, earn R1.5m a year just for sitting on their jacksies, and are now right back where they started. DSD! #VoteRight!
We’ve had elections coming out of our ears as the rot is exposed across all parties. It’s going to be a coalition or a wash out. Many South Africans are so disillusioned by the political landscape that they don’t see any point. Imagine telling Tata Mandela that, or Steve Biko or Ahmed Kathrada? It wouldn’t fly, but here we are chucking pigs in the air and wishing for wings.
The Joburg mayoral race — what a circus. Helen wins on volume (60%) but certainly not on sentiment (-76%). Godzilla, we’ve seen her handbrake-turning in car stunts and driving into mini-stadiums while sitting on the back of a BMW cabriolet. Opulence and ego, all in one visible display. Ego, the undoing of man and woman. The making of Gauteng’s mayor? Maybe. Does it really matter anymore? I’ve said it time and time again, start with your little spot on the canvas and keep painting.
Joburg’s colour is gone
Let me tell you a story: I returned to Johannesburg after a good eight years. I was ready for the mess, but found nothing but an epicentre of happiness and helpfulness. I grew up in Jozi and called it my home for at least 40 years and I don’t see what you see. I see all the colour has gone, every billboard is black and white, every building newly built and creeping across the landscape, despite the news, has just lost all colour. #VoteRight!
The potholes in the ’burbs are extraordinary and if you don’t have solar and borehole water, you have a problem. But overall, our people are struggling with a shrug and a joke as the robots disappear and recycle themselves and the traffic flows freely. Naïve and idealistic? Maybe, but I spent 10 days on an Acumen Media Roadshow and the first thing that was so very obvious was the friendliness, the speed of it and the rush of energy that the city brings.
I love Jozi. Please do the right thing, Gauteng, whatever that right thing is and however painful it is. Vote right. You have an intense job ahead and the whole country is relying on you. No pressure… (that was a distasteful joke). I mean the ANC won’t even name its mayoral candidate; they’ll wait until the day, I suppose? What on earth is happening? #RamaRidiculous said, “We’re very sorry.” Who’s ‘we’ cupcake? Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink. #VoteRight!
Fuel relief … just until after elections
There was the Mid-Term Budget Policy Statement where we got big relief on the fuel for a whole month, until a week after elections, and then? And even then the fuel levy will kick back in and so we go round until impoverished becomes standard. They’re calling it #ElectionBait online and it is. #VoteRight
I won’t be here, but we have a massive majority in our ward in Sodwana Bay and I work well with the ward councillor so I know we’ll vote right, we already did. Lots is wrong, we have potholes in Sodwana too, not Helen’s league but nonetheless the wear and tear on our earthly things is inevitable. Keep fixing, that’s your job, councillor. fFx, don’t swim or use catapults or abseil, just fix it. Water, water everywhere, any drops to drink?
And then all this dreadful depressing news. A foreigner was beaten to death by a crowd of 50 nationals. Jacinta continues on her ‘phobic’ rants, you name a phobia, she has it. Xeno, Afro, Islam. She forgets we are all just confined by imaginary borders created by mere mortals beset with greed. Idealistic? You bet I am. We need leaders who are not in love with money, but with justice. Not in love with the publicity, but with humanity.” MLK said that. Wake up, it’s a beautiful morning South Africa, set yourselves free.
The rapists
We are done with reading about a teacher who raped a grade four pupil in her place of safety. We are done hearing about a man who raped and murdered his four-year-old; it is unfathomable. All these men’s nationalities left from the press, why not say South African teacher, father, police commissioner? Hey, Jacinta? Come over here! You better vote right! #VoteRight!
And by right I really don’t mean Trumpet’s kind of right, right? Listen, while we’re on this orangutang, did you see this demon shout at the journalist, telling them to ‘shut up’ like he was talking to an impudent child. Mirror or what? Why is he still here? He’s a very big part of the reason we are seeing France losing its mind in protest against Macron’s government. Well, I mean it’s ridiculous that the French still have to stage a revolution; it’s 2026.
Just chuck them out, man. Vote right! And I’m not going to unpack France, it’s not about foreigners. Okay, y’all got the message on that one, all those flags were deep fakes. You are not in America, you can read for yourself.
Back home Suliman Carrim is behind trellies, he tried to skip the country to Dubai on a ‘pilgrimage’ to where? Jumeirah Beach, the Burj Khalifa, who knows. He was caught with five travelling bags. Five. Really, Suliman? You do know we watch you on the teevee all the time, right.
So in comes a wave of other charges making this story, bigger than electioneering. You’d think Gwede ‘puzaface’ Mantashe’s comments degrading women would have more impact, but these atrocities get drowned out by stories that make them pale in comparison. Water, water everyhwere and nor a drop to drink.
Sibiya is the big story
Here it is the big news story, the story that is bigger than the elections by far by the numbers. Child trafficker Shadrack Sibiya has doubled his results and engagement over the past two weeks. Now you’re really all caught up, I do read the news, so you don’t have to. #VoteRight!
It’s disgusting. This filthy SOB takes the chunk of media because this is meant to be one of our top cops, our stellar cops, South Africa’s finest and all we got was screwed. But he is also the fall guy. Make no mistake, no one has said Senzo’s name yet, nor will they.
If you think Sibiya taking little girls from their daddies is repugnant, imagine what else is next? Are they demons? These creatures that bear no conscience. Surely they’re pure evil? You better vote right and you better pray, my dear country. #VoteRight!
There was a woman accused of faking her own abduction to get 40 grand out of her cousin. We saw a flurry of court cases, DJ Warras and AKA; then the ConCourt found all four presidents guilty of gross misconduct, and nothing happened. It’s true, I promise you.
Fort Hare fired VC Buhlungu the day before he was due to leave. A Durban dad, a toppie and his missus were in a hijacking, that ballie sommer kapped shots and drove like a boss. He became a hero. This is our light relief. #VoteRight
Joe ‘Ferrari’ Sibanyoni is in court. Here we go; we all know how this circle works. Please leave my car. #CAPEXIT had an awareness day/week, because you know, the day didn’t quite go as planned. The CIP were in Kirstenhof, obviously. I can’t deal with selling off the Western Cape to the elite with a wall around poverty, I’m sure I’ve seen this before. #VoteRight!
Magic tricks
They’re trying to push Mpox onto us guys, 26 cases, they say, all in men apart from one woman. We have no capacity for Mpox. We are meant to celebrate when Fannie Masemola is put back into his position, the crook himself. Ramaphosa lifted the Police Commissioner’s suspension; the charges regarding the R360m Medicare tender were withdrawn and he has about five months and then he has done his term. Crazy, huh? #VoteRight!
Did you see that magic trick? A crook got rid of a crook to get rid of a crook to put a crook back in his place he started to finish his crookery. Vote Right. Talking about voting decisions: MK woke up, a couple of weeks ago. I told you they had not come to work, but they have stormed back onto the charts.
And Duduzane apologised for Zuma’s absence as uBaba recovers in hospital. Don’t any of you say it. Not one of you, okay? He might be though. Tjo. Shhh. #VoteRight!
There is good news, lots of it: Leanne Manas did not resign, do your research well, even I got sucked in. And then to uplift us all: in our little team of strong women here at Acumen there is a young woman called Muofhe Ramaligela. She walked for Mandela with more than 26 000 other people. The Nelson Mandela Foundation made our week because this country needed some unity and the Madiba Magic touched every one of those people and each of their supporters. We still have it. We need to hold on to it. And push it through the grit.
Across the seas apart the biggest story was #FranceProtests, between 550,000 and 800,000 people united under protest over fuel, food prices, public services and schools. NOT Palestine. Over 400 were arrested and the damage is appalling, just like the living conditions.
Out of office
I’m travelling again. I had a wonderful time in Johannesburg where South Africa saw the launch of AI monitoring and Cluster Technology. Both world firsts. The world has completely changed. Google became AI overnight. Chatbots are our lives now and as a brand that is dangerous or brilliant. Ask us how you’re doing, we’re on it. #VoteRight!
I digressed with purpose though. I’m travelling across the waters to see some friends I haven’t seen for a long time, I’ve been given leave, without gardening, and I’ll be away close to a month. My Mom’s birthday is around the corner, so yes, I’m running away to warm hugs in cold countries but you’ll read the news, won’t you? Probably. Don’t keep me posted, thank you. #VoteRight!
Before I go, something is awry. US staff have been told to leave Saudi Arabia, Britain is told to prepare for war and give out rationing tips and tricks in case there is an ‘unforeseen circumstance’; how terribly British, unforeseen foreseen circumstances. I checked, they’ve got enough quavers and ruby murrys. But that campaign is quite catchy it’s #BeReady! Stop laughing.
I’ve long run out of words. I didn’t talk about Elon’s explosion, oh wait, Elon’s flying car — or, more importantly, Navi Pillay. #LongLiveNaviPillay. She’s a legend. We have good people, we are good people. #VoteRight
But before you go, here’s a video on elections worth the watch.
Scratching the surface with a seven-day Acumen Media report with Tonya Khoury.
