Before we even get started, can you believe we’re auctioning off all of #Madiba’s stuff? Today I saw his hearing aids are being auctioned, yesterday it was his ID book. What is wrong with us? I’m disgusted. One of the greatest people to ever come out of this country and we’re auctioning him off in bits. #HandsOffMandela.
Yes, I’m back and it’s time to #ScratchTheSurface of #JanuWorry. Strap yourself in because it started internationally with #AliensInMiami and the #EpsteinList. Don’t say you wanted a quiet year; you knew that is never going to happen. 2024 is giving us a lot more.
First, a hearty congratulations to those of you who made it through #matric. I watched the country celebrate huge percentage passes in government schools last night. What is forgotten is that, by way of example, the Northern Cape and Free State had a drop out rate of 41%! I’m not going to tell you all of it, but numbers often do what you want them to if they are spun right.
In terms of #MatricResults, our Department of Education has a great deal to answer for, but as it’s a new year, it’s better to focus on the school pics that flooded social media in #BackToSchool. The little ones have the widest eyes and smiles. That warmed the cockles of my cynical monitoring heart.
ICJ legal eagles
There is so much news, but I wouldn’t be doing you justice (pardon the pun) if I didn’t mention the legal team that represented South Africa at the #ICJ in a war crimes tribunal against Israel. #GazaGenocide. Sometimes my country can get things so right and then most times we get it so wrong. Despite the war crime allegations before the tribunal, #Netanyahu said nothing and no one would stop him, and the Israeli cabinet referred to South Africa as ‘monkeys’.
Oi Penny? Penny Sparrow? Have you emigrated? I have much to say on this topic and the war crimes in Gaza, but I know I’m preaching to the choir. The whole of South Africa rose and welcomed back our legal team as justice heroes. We are now also “suing” #Israel – none of it will work; 1.9 million people are displaced and there are 100 trucks with water and food that barely make it in every day.
This is a drop in an ocean of despair as disease and famine arrives cloaked in horror to finish the job. We failed you, #Gaza. Despite attempts from Lebanon, Yemen and Syria, nothing stopped the IDF kicking grown men into a hole and shooting them in the head. In years from now our children will ask why we did nothing, and it won’t help but at least we can say that South Africa tried. It’s just not cricket. #RIPGaza
#Umshiniwami… again
Back at home we saw #Zuma doing so very well. He’s singing #Umshiniwami with such gusto one would swear he was a 21-year-old. He launched the #MKParty, and Carl Khaki Niehaus must be devastated as he sits with a red beret on his head. Look we all know that #MK and #EFF will join forces; they basically even told us so. Isn’t this place crazy?
Apparently, the IEC has made it clear that #Zuma cannot be President because of his criminal record. They left out the point that according to the ANC, he’s still part of their crew. How messed up is that? So now #Ramaposer must fire #Zuma; the sloth continues to move at his own pace and Zuma is still a member of the ANC as I write this today.
Zuma has also been barred from a bunch of funerals and we all want to know if #SchabirShaik will be heading into Zuma’s cabinet. There had better be a doctor on hand for sick notes because those two alone have a few unanswered questions in court.
Fikile and the ‘firepool’
I’ll tell you who was not impressed by #Zumas #PoliticsOfDancing of dancing: Fikile #MinisterOfAlles Mbalula. He tuned us straight; he was raging, he vomited about how the ANC had bent over backwards for Zuma. He said we even called his swimming pool a “firepool”. Well, that didn’t go down swimmingly. Admitting that you lied to parliament for an incumbent president is not the brightest political move. He’s been gagged.
Let’s not even talk about #BladeNzimande and the complete joke that is #Nsfas. Both these clowns should be behind bars, and Zuma too.
Electioneering is all over the place, but the DA is a #DAsaster. Many good people are out of there. Largely due to their pro-Israel stance. John must be jumping mad. It doesn’t matter because while this was happening, the ANC celebrated its 112th birthday. All we saw was the cake and then a viral social media post of a member kissing another member who was not his wife. His response: “All comrades need love”. Are you laughing? I certainly am.
So many stories
But wait, there’s more; there is an advert for the #CapeIndependenceParty that says these chops are exiting South Africa. #CapeExit they’ve called it when it should be #SAExit but okay, you do you buddy, make sure your ego can fit on top of that mountain won’t you? Imagine the currency, that will cost you 100 Shoowaaahhs. I’m finished! You feel lucky, punk.
Running out of words now, oh man. So. Many. Stories. Teffo is fighting a jail sentence, South Africa is headed for recession, there is a 24-hour water outage in Johannesburg while #Mchunu holds a water summit. *Rolls eyes so far back into her head she can see her brain. There were big shoot outs like it was the wild west and Bheki, still with his hat, Cele told us he would not be held hostage by criminals. This line is like something out of a Spaghetti Western, isn’t it? Do you feel lucky punk? Well, do ya?
#KZNFloods are causing damage up and down the eastern coast and Ecoli has found a home in Umhlanga. Load shedding is back, and you’re not surprised, right? Bafana missed the goal for AFCON, still no surprise; there is a sinkhole in Carletonville, surprise anyone? #Marshalltown fire victims’ accommodation was so poor that it too was flooded. Still no surprise.
Wait, what about this one? Social grants haven’t been paid. No, nothing? #Pistorius was released. Anything? Wow you guys are so hard to please. Okay I have it… #Orania is open to all races if you identify as an #Afrikaner. Ha! Gotcha! It’s true, even people of colour are allowed IF they act and think like an Afrikaner. Punks, the lot of them.
Thrivers not survivors
#TrevorNoah won an #EmmyAward, #Davos is upon us. #NkosozanaZuma retired, but what’s the bet she turns up at MK? If you haven’t watched the #TBJoshua documentary, you should; that’s a punk and a half and then to cheer me up the Real Housewives of Durban is back.
There are many stories I didn’t cover, there is simply too much, and you just got back, and I want to be kind to you because it is the wild west, my friends, and no #ClintEastwood in sight.
There’s only one thing for it – jumping on a boat, even if there are 35km winds. Welcome home and don’t let 2024 kick you to the floor. We’re thrivers not just survivors.
I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.
