I’ve always admired Dolly Parton; as a lady blessed with a solid pair of melons myself, she gave me courage during my childhood, she gave me hope. I never liked country music as a kid, I thought I knew better. I didn’t. Only in later years did I learn to admire her lyrical and musical genius.
I always knew Dolly was a philanthropist, but I didn’t know that she could have put Elon to shame. Instead of crashing rockets into the moon, this lass sent free books to all American kids – and others arounds the world – every single month. Tiny tots in ’Merica today call her the #BookLady, and they have no idea who Jolene is. Now that’s a legacy.
Back here at home clacking nails and the nine to five grind didn’t rest for Dolly. Instead, the click-clack was coupled with #ClockIt as we clocked not only Jolene taking her man but the government taking the tenders, electricity, the water, the dockets, the speaker’s chair. Everybody wore a coat of many colours until they tore up that coat and separated the colour and fabric until Xenophobia and Afrophobia became commonplace in South Africa.
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We have our own Jolene here: Jacinta. Would you believe that this woman went to the original immigrant for advice on how to get more cash out of political discourse? Kallie ‘the Traitor’ Kriel is who Jacinta is modelling herself on now. The very man that landed us in the Oval Office with a matinee aired of all South Africa’s indecencies.
Jacinta traipsed off to the offices of the one organisation that actually thinks she is not on their level at all. On any other normal day, Jacinta would probably spew vitriol about separatism and racism when she spoke of AfriForum. But she speaks with forked tongue, Jolene, oops I mean Jacky.
Bell Pottinger vibes
She’s not so bright; she’s being used like a political football by international agents. Tell me she’s not part of the disruption America and Israel are trying to make in our country and I’ll ask you to read this paragraph again. If you aren’t feeling #BellPottinger vibes, you didn’t clock it. She went to AFRIFORUM. They joined hands on how to get money out of making people angry or scared. #JoleneIsHere
When probed by the media, Jacky’s answer was “I am not that typical black person who is scared of white people.” It’s 2026, Jacinta. Go find another man.
I’ve been in and out of hospitals and what I jokingly refer to as my dear friend’s step-down facility hosted me warmly for almost a month. The journey I’ve been through, it would take an entire column to tell you. My new doctors are based in Umhlanga, the hospital itself looks like something out of Real Housewives.
Every single hour I thanked God for my hospital plan only medical aid; my first visit cost R350k and it was paid by my medical aid in full. Crazy, hey, so grateful. After two procedures and an operation I WALKED out of that hospital. I walked. It’s been a long time since I walked anywhere. I really feel like I was sent a miracle and this weekend I intend to put this new working set of legs to work.
I haven’t been in the water for over a month and it’s full of manta rays, my very favourite creature. Angels of the sea we call them. They’re like huge black cloaks that elegantly twist and turn in the magnificent blue. Promising you that there is something so much bigger than the human race and the #MadlangaCommission.
Relying on a dead man
My partner throughout my hospital stay was YouTube and #MadlangaCommission. I was never left without entertainment. Farcical Fadiel, Flailing Fadiel with his frozen parliamentary laptop. As he testified, he was seen to be visibly flustered. He relied on poor IT support to magic away almost a year’s worth of evidence and malfeasance.
Commissioner Madlanga called it ‘unbelievable’ and after the IT department snapped back saying Adam’s flailing was untruthful, Adams finally conceded. He was also cornered when it came to late Major-General Andre Lincoln, giving credence to 90% of Fadiel’s allegations.
The evidence leader klapped back. “You cannot rely on a dead man every time.” Commissioner Baloyi also got her turn and said that this entire the sequence “stinks of machinations”. After days on the stand, he finally conceded that he was untruthful, and said to Judge Madlanga: “You’re the only man besides my father who’s ever given me a beating.” Clock it.
I’ve been off for almost a month, so I have so many characters we didn’t talk about. Who can forget IDAC head Advocate Andrea Johnson? She was on the stand for six days. Evasive on mandate, and she has a very deep personal relationship with suspended crime intelligence officer, Major-General Feroz Khan. Ja, that crook.
Clocked, clocked, clocked
Clocked, clocked, clocked. In a recorded voice note produced by Ramsamy, Andrea called the commission a ‘shit show’ and told Ramsamy to leave the country if she was ever called. She didn’t leave the country, but she sure did spill the tea. #ClackClack
Then this schyster Suleiman Carrim (who earlier said Matlala and Brown Mogotsi played him out of millions) keeps postponing on medical grounds. The Commission produced geolocation data showing how Carrim spent four hours at a Cape Town mall while “unfit”. Madlanga bared his teeth and laid criminal charges against Carrim for failing to appear or submit to an independent medical exam. #ClackClack
Political fixer Brown Mogotsi was served with yet another arrest warrant. This guy is trying to hit some kind of record, isn’t he? He tried to escape by disguising himself as a correctional services person and was allegedly going to walk straight out to freedom. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose, hey Brown. Of course he denies it, says all that evidence was planted. Nail clack, pour another cup of ambition.
The Hawks head, Lebeya, was warra warraing yesterday. He denied knowing KT Molefe, but he did have a long chat with a person called ‘Malcolm X’. This is getting tedious now.
‘It can’t be so’
We half-clocked that Ramaphosa’s name surfaced in Cat’s stream, but the media soon moved on. They’ve become household names, the cast of this justice commission called Madlanga. We are all beset with #MadlangaFever; either we are glued to the cases, or we are amazed at the outcomes. If you don’t fit into one of those categories, you’re likely to need a sick note.
The characters have also been known for their catchphrase Baloyi loves: “It can’t be” or “it can’t be so”. If you hear those words, duck. Commissioner Baloyi called Cat’s relationship with his lawyer “deeply problematic”; what she meant was Cruella De Ville aka Annelene van den Heefer was taking Cat for a ride and that she wasn’t very good.
This is the lawyer people confuse with Mary de Haas (who was at the Adhoc committee and she was a learned fellow who wanted to go to some tea party rather than sit through pesky questions.) Now this chick is not Mary, not by a long shot. She is Annalene van den Heever. Not all white old ladies look the same, chaps. Okay, so Cruella wears shiny suits and designer sunglasses like she belongs in a scene from The Matrix.
The Birkin bag
She also sports a Birkin bag that South Africa ‘clocked’ at R1.2-million rand. A pricey bag for a bag. Now I’m convinced that this chick taught Dali all he knows, she can filibuster for the first team but there is zero substance. Advocate Baloyi hates her, it’s palpable. Cat is not her first catch; this bird has defended some rotters. #ClackClack
What came out of Cat’s testimony is that Bheki Cele and Mkhwanazi are bed fellows. Cat’s relationship with General Senona was “not friends but he’s my older brother”. Don’t ask me, I just watch the news so you don’t have to. Evidence leader, Adila Hassim made a mess of Cat. He looked like a deer in the headlights as he admitted that transferring cash of R5 million was commonplace in his world.
Wrong thing to say, all the Commissioners climbed into that one. Cat’s run out of lives and his lawyer ain’t nothing but a gold digger.
The #MadlangaCommission is massive with a community of almost 300k tuning to watch justice in action. Over 600 000 unique items with an engagement of four million; we are invested. We love the cast too. Adila Hassim got a doctorate this week and we learnt that Advocate Ncube is more than a stellar legal mind, she can belt out a tune that would make Dolly smile.
So that was my companion this month: Madlanga Commission and two wonderful friends who carted and carried me, put a blankie over me and let me heal. You know who you are, thank you.
A bit of bother
In other news Glynny-winny-woo is in a bit of bother, isn’t she? I used to like her, but obviously I’ve gone off her now. You see it’s the DA all over, apart from one of their councillors (Shay) playing video games in parliament, Glynny was allegedly backed by Kirsh who paid R10m to the DA to “buy” Breytenbach a seat after the NPA; $1m in shares and the balance from a trust account. Kirsh called Breytenbach his ‘little daughter.’ #Clocked
Another crook who was let off the hook was National Assembly Madam Speaker #ThokoDidiza; she survived her motion of no confidence brought against her by Juju. And then I’m happy to tell you that disgraced lawyer Peet Viljoen was denied bail. Mel cried crocodile tears. Ag sistog.
Across the pond it was astounding, time was fleeting and madness took control. Tim Curry died, also at 80 years ol;, some joked that Dolly had picked the perfect plus one to enter heaven. I liked that. Then there were the islands in the stream, the duets no one asked for: Trump put tariffs back on Canada and started renaming lakes to lake America. Yawn.
Meta had to pay a $18bn fine and finally they’re doing something about age limits, allegedly. Syria is off the terror-sponsor list, so funny hey? Do you know who heads up Syria? The head of ISIS and a friend of ’Merica. Make it make sense. Clack Clack.
Hayden Panettiere is dead at 36. I didn’t watch her acting career but others did and she’s sorely missed. The Clancy trial wraps up as we watch a mother who strangled her three children and is blaming post partum depression. #JoleneIsHere.
Iran’s Trump card
The Gulf and Middle East saw Turkey rise and declared they are ready to go to war. I think we’ve been here before. The Strait of Hormuz remains Iran’s Trump card. Apparently Oman are stepping into the Iranian ring as oil becomes more lucrative by the second. #ClackClack
And certainly on of the biggest stories in the world is the glacier and mudslide in Nepal. The images and video footage coming out of the media is horrific. Mother nature, more powerful than any weapon a human can build. We have huge egos, hey? To think we can rule this planet, a life form of its very own. We’re living in a time warp.
And to end your week and start my dalliance with the beach I will tell you about Dolly’s last trick: She left a song locked in a chestnut Dream Box at Dollywood, not to be opened until her 100th birthday; that’s in 2045. She said she regretted it because the song was too good and she wanted to replace it with something else. That’s her, that’s our Dolly. Pour the cup of ambition. Clack the nails. Clock it. Stay loose, pray for my goose.
I’m Tonya Khoury 2.0 and thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.
