My so solid crew can you believe Monday is #March2026? I’m aging while writing this piece. Someone pulled up the dial on speed. Even Paul O’ Sullivan pulled a white rabbit (not out of a hat) but said he was late, late for an important date.
Parliament’s #AdMockCommittee was brilliant viewing and entertainment. I’m Tonya Khoury and I was glued to my television as this farce unfolded. Ol’Sully lied, he was rude, he had called the whole parliamentary body a bunch of crooks on national television.
He told them to kiss his backside and skimmed over the fact that he is a convicted women abuser. Julius was having none of it, he insisted that Paul apologise on national television for the lies and the aspersions cast on the commission. Sully said he would but only if Juju would stop singing ‘Kill the Boer’.
And then it erupted. I was howling with laughter, I know I shouldn’t, but I mean what else is there to do? Cry for the beloved country? For the first time South Africans learnt Gaelic, “p?g mo th?in”, translated as “kiss my backside.”
In the interests of peace
Paul later admitted the comment went too far and said: “In the interest of peace, I withdraw the comment, and I apologise most humbly”. Ha, “humble” that’s funny. Malema accepted the apology, but insisted O’Sullivan should retract the remarks publicly on eNCA, the same platform where Paul called them a bunch of crooks.
All parliamentarians agreed and so did the chair who said he would accompany Sully to his confessional. Well, that didn’t happen. He turned on his heel and without being dismissed, pulled a #Bathoi and didn’t stay. He told us with no uncertainty that “It is no good being Mr Nice Guy when you are fighting evil.”
These commissions are either laughable or they’re infectious. This week alone two sicknotes appeared for witnesses that got caught by #MadlangaFever. Paul started this thing by saying his back was very sore – all our backs are sore, Paul! Now look what you started. Witness F didn’t pitch, another claimed illness, in fact on Monday the commission didn’t sit for all the sicknotes.
Slippery oke
I didn’t think this would be my biggest story, but the system counts faster than you can blink and 440 000 people engaged on the two parallel court proceedings, making this story bigger than our water shortages in SA. #MoreOnPaul or is that moronPaul? You decide.
This oke is so slippery he landed a plush job at ACSA many moons ago. He was then fired because he didn’t get along with his colleagues. That’s funny, I think many Saffers wouldn’t get along with ACSA’s board and equally many wouldn’t get along with Pauli. A fiery MK Party MP, David Skosana, called Sullivan “a spy and a thug”.
MP Sauls called him a hero with holes, much to the disgust of Dereleen Jones. When yet again announcing he had a flight to catch, the MPs asked why Paul couldn’t charter his own aircraft and fly himself as he has the means.
Allegedly, his retort was that it was a personal commitment he couldn’t miss. He arrived voluntarily and he’s leaving voluntarily. EFF’s Leigh-Ann Mathys urged to have him “arrested upon landing in Johannesburg” (or wherever he touches down). He ran like the wind. Run White Rabbit Run.
Malema rumour mill
Talking about the EFF, the rumour mill is churning out media about Malema’s marital breakdown. Mantwa is apparently leaving Julius because he’s got a skoemfemfa (a side chick). Not just any chick, Edwin #DryTaps Sodi’s chick. That’s why we have no water: she was thirsty. I know I know, I’ll see myself out. Laugh man, it’s Friday, take a #SickNote.
Back to serious business, well sort of: the #MadlangaCommission saw Advocate Hassim at her finest. I adore this woman. I watched her rip apart the heinous act that was #LifeEsidimeni and then I saw her stand tall with her country at the ICJ.
A formidable woman and a justice seeker, but even she couldn’t help but poke fun at #ShadrickSibiya our special leaved/ suspended deputy police minister. #MadlangaCommission was a circus. Cat’s gifts to his bribees included impalas, yes you read right, as well as fridges, Ozempic, cash in a can and Brazilian Butt Lifts; it was like a comedy show.
Sibiya: “I take it that the cat is already out of the bag.”
Hassim: “Like the impalas?”
Sibiya: “You see? I don’t want to say she is being arrogant.”
Hassim: “I was just making a joke.”
Sibiya: “No, but you started it. Chair, we need to really respect each other …”
‘Categorically denies’
What am I watching? I’m being facetious, it’s Friday. The most significant testimony was that Sibiya sent a confidential police audit report to a junior officer. The Chair suggested that this was to tip off Matlala that his lucrative R360 million police health tender was about to be cancelled.
While Sibiya admitted sending the report to Sergeant Fannie Nkosi, he denied that his intention was to warn Matlala. Grilled, left his note at home see? He followed this up with: “I categorically deny that I acquired or received any impala from Matlala or from any other person for that matter. No animal was delivered to my plot. I’ve never had impalas delivered to my home.” Again, what did I just watch?
And then South Africa has its own #MarlonBrando. He’s a #Temu copy, but Brown Mogotsi might as well be called #DonMogotsi. He mumbles his words, has a husky voice and you never really see his eyes. They dart side to side and look down with hooded eyelids.
Take the cannoli!
I expected him to say “Leave the gun. Take the cannoli”, but he didn’t. He did retract his statement that Lt Gen Mkhwanazi was working for the CIA. He also admitted to killing a man during a physical altercation: he hit him so hard that he fell and either this oke broke his neck or something like that ….
And yet #DonMogotsi didn’t serve time because the murder charges were later withdrawn due to a lack of witnesses. Wait, what? Witnesses? There were only two of them and he admitted to killing the other. Even here in parliament, nothing?
Another reason he’s a bit like Corleone is he’s a snappy dresser with his white and black trimmed press-less suit. Do you remember press-less? That was a big thing when I was a kid. The most important revelation out of this entire farce of a testimony was that Mogotsi confirmed his involvement with the CR17 campaign and described himself as a “comrade” of special leave/suspended police minister Senzo Mchunu.
That and the fact than under oath Brown called himself a “professional liar” and “information peddler” made for fascinating viewing.
The impimpi
Glynis Breytenbach, naturally, called him exactly what he is … an impimpi. I’m telling you, friends, this stuff is better than anything on Netflix. Next week we talk about #UseAllYourWords Phalane, the person who makes my skin crawl. This guy is scary and he’s spinning like a top in parliament. No sick note needed.
I would have bet that the #BudgetSpeech would have been the biggest story this week, but with a dismal 18 000 mentions, we are not bovered about buckshee. So, the short story is it was D.U.DoubleL.
We turned our attention to Kenny Kunene who said he started the EFF, not Julius Malema, who is currently self-combusting. Dada the dodo Morero survived yet another motion of no confidence. It seems we are selling soldiers/desperate wannabe gangsters and some mercenaries to Russia.
We didn’t need an #EpsteinList, we do this trafficking story in public. So they kicked out Duduzile and now we are learning that her story is quite common place. I wonder what really happened there. Colleen Makhubane also bailed from the #MKParty turnstiles. No more sick notes, no more heroes.
What of Motsepe?
Last week I told you about Robert Mugabe’s son’s attempted killing of the gardener. This week: crickets. Remember the pig farm murderers, they were in court this week. Miners are still trapped underground at #EkapaMine. Foot and mouth is rampant as (apparently) we begin our inoculations this week.
And then this … rumour has it that Patrice Motsepe is your new head of the ANC and might even be your president. Please do not get excited. We have been here before. This guy is Cupcake’s brother-in-law. Step backwards slowly. Vote right, South Africa.
The Joburg Mayoral race is speeding up as this high-stake prize brings contenders like Helen Zille (DA), Herman Mashaba (Action SA), and Kenny Kunene (Patriotic Alliance). The race is fierce amid voter disillusionment. No heroes anymore.
I’m speeding up because we haven’t spoken about Andrew’s memes. They cheered me up all week. But first: COSATU and FEDUSA are protesting against the steep annual contribution hikes by Government Employee Medical Scheme, GEMS.
A priority investigation
The National Consumer Commission (NCC) has launched a “priority investigation” into the safety of sanitary products that millions of South African women use monthly. Two accused were caught on a dashcam video attacking e-hailing driver Isaac Satlat. They have now been charged after formal confessions. You see? No video, no proof.
There was the Gauteng SOPA where #PanyazInniLesufi defended the province’s road maintenance programme as he said that 26,000 potholes are part of a long-term infrastructure plan, not electioneering. Who counted them? This number is an old number. I remember this story last election you liar. Why haven’t you fixed one? Go now. Like we do here in my hometown, go immediately and fix it. Yourself, or get off my voting roll.
And as for water he said communities like Coronationville and Westbury are facing long-term water supply problems and promised a permanent fix is coming. And we all clapped? No of course not, what a load of codswallop, rubbish, insulting and unacceptable. #NoMoreHeroes.
Get this number: 100 police officers were accused of rape and sexual violence in the 2024/25 period. Heroes? Where? Then Cape Town International Airport suspended all international departures after a fire broke out in the office building and a VIP lounge.
Those files that shall not be mentioned
Speaking of chaos and disrupted flights, Monday is being called doomsday as foreign offices empty out across the Middle East and the war planes/ships surround Iran. [As we now know, the US and Israel attacked Iran on Saturday morning. Iran retaliated. The Middle East is at war.]
There was a massive problem with the world’s largest aircraft carrier, USS Gerald R Ford, as all the toilets were blocked, and with over four thousand sailors on board and 650 non-working ablutions, well let’s just say they need a paddle.
And those files that shall not be mentioned in ‘Merica? Well, there have been resignations, arrests and laws updated to cope with the influx of paedophiles. We saw Andrew arrested and THAT picture appeared in the Louvre as someone plakked it up with Prestik for all the world to see. The memes are too funny for such a serious subject. But I promise they will cheer you up.
Then we thought we found the real #GhislaineMaxwell. Confused? Remember the other Ghislaine we saw on television, the one social media scrutinised? No, the other Ghislaine, and anyone can see, plain as day, the two are not the same. But then, a video appeared of her talking to someone that looks like a family member in Quebec.
Deep fakes
The videographer calls her by name and she turns to him. All the features match and it is an excellent rendition of AI. Flawless. The videographer came out to say he made the deep fake, so we put that to pasture. We don’t need another fake hero.
The #EpsteinFiles have created havoc across the world apart from in America. Nothing, and I mean, nothing happened. Some people resigned but there was zero accountability nor any form of police action. What is that all about? While the UK scrambles to make itself appear civilised and accountable, ‘Merica is riding bucking bulls without a handle.
Trump told us less than a year ago that he had obliterated Iran’s nukes, today he says they have nukes, so he didn’t obliterate them did he? He gave the State of the Union Address and I swear it was worse than any of our SONA’s. About a third of people clapped and clapped and clapped and clapped. While the rest sat in their placed with their arms folded and their finger on their lips.
Well except a few brave women who wore badges saying: “Release the Files” and then #IlhanOmar broke her fast by losing her temper, shouting: “You have killed Americans”, referring to the Minnesota murders. Passionate and Muslim she made a point of correcting Trump, repeatedly. He told her she should be ashamed of herself.
De Niro’s performance
He described the Somali community as pirates. There was no mention of the EFiles but you already knew that. There was no accountability, no big legal process or commission of enquiry, nothing. But remember the Dow is at 50 thou.
And then Robert De Niro gave a wonderful performance, no not the one Raging Bull but about Trumpet; he cried for his country, bless. Are we buying this BS? Who are the candidates for the next elections in the US or have the democrats just given up. The Clintons are testifying about the #EpsteinFiles, that’s funny because we’ve all seen Bill in his blue dress and heels and we all know that Hilary was Podesta’s bestie.
I’m just curious to see how they spin it. She’s already saying that she never met Epstein. And then Bill Gates said he had affairs with two Russians. You can make your own jokes, they write themselves. And then Modi jumped on a plane and gave Bibi a hug.
There was an explosive interview with Tucker Carlson and Mike Huckabee that I encourage you to watch. Tucker really pinned him to the wall and also solved the problem about genealogy in the Middle East. Well worth the watch. Not for Bibi, he refused to meet Tucker. Never mind, we don’t need an interview, we know what you did.
Over 11.8 million people are at Mecca this Ramadan. Once you understand the enormity of that number and you see the level of organisation, you have to feel admiration for Saudi Arabia’s ability to move these people safely. Take you hat off to that, but only to that for the Saudis. They have a lot to answer for.
Finally, I’m done, a mixed bag this week. Be your own hero. I’m owed some blue juice and a chat with a moray.
