A seven-day Acumen Media Report by Tonya Khoury. Roll up, roll up, come and get ‘em; get your headlines filled with funny, scary, happy, horror, astonishment and tenacity. You can’t beat satire mixed with cynicism, and I’m loaded with wares today. I’m peddling all sorts of stuff in my news jacket, and if I don’t offload these hot goods soon, I might get collared. (Don’t you just love words? They make me happy). I’m Tonya Khoury and let’s just #ScratchTheSurface of my peddler’s coat.
The #PresidentsQandA was an absolute farce, you have never watched Parliament quite like it. This was next level. #PointOfOrder became a chant rather than a request. The #EFF were so disruptive that it took an hour to hear the President’s first answers to the questions posed. The behaviour was manic and appalling for a Parliament. It was a belter of a fight. It was so bad that the chairperson completely lost the plot, she started screaming like a banshee at the house and she literally became hysterical.
#Malema (there are times when I love this man for the comedy gold), Malema said calmly and succinctly, “Madam Speaker, would you like me to help you?” Oh, my word I laughed. I laughed so hard I snorted. Well, what are you meant to do in this situation? Where a Zoom meeting completely runs rampant and the people in the house physical are all standing chanting #PointOfOrder. One of the big complaints is that not all members could be there. They were in a temporary building, because you’ll remember that #GuyFawkesMafe burnt Parliament down. It’s going to cost two BILLION to build a new one and guess what? No one took insurance.
#Malema, I think I speak for the whole country when I say, sit in your home and join the Zoom call. I’m sorry you can’t all chant together and make some more noise and that you can’t all exit together. I’m also sure the muting of mics is actually helpful. Almost on a #PointofOrder. Anyway, regardless of virtual or not some of the EFF members were removed and the show began. #Ramaphosa left the #FarmGate questions with this: “There are legal processes underway so I can’t chat about it now.” This incensed the house, particularly the DA. John Steenhuisen took his a question time to quote horrific stats and then never asked his question. I did learn a lot though and what I’m about to say is nasty as hell. Sixty thousand matrics are pregnant; of those 60 000, at least 70% will be unemployed. Now you know why we have teenage pregnancy; at least when you have a child you get the one grant system that works.
We also have the highest fetal alcohol syndrome in the world. Yes, the highest #FAD in the whole world. Nice one, alcohol, you killed our mothers and our babies and you didn’t leave the family unit once, did you? You destroyed that unit with drunk and quick tempers. Astigfurallah, may we be forgiven for these dreadful sins.
Back to that #Presdientsqanda. Every person who spoke coherently called for the army to intervene in the shenanigans going on underneath the xenophobic narrative. Some called for the SANDF to be stationed at hotspots and at state resources such as railways and Eskom. GREAT idea, but the answer was ‘no’. I don’t understand why. Mr President, if you think we are going to call you a dictator because you call in the army, we aren’t; not us, the voting public. You will get that rhetoric on #OppositionStreet or in a #Parly #ZoomWaitingLobby, but not from us, sir. Please help us to fight back by merely protecting the little we have.
Two billionaires
Keep reading if you dare, we are only scratching the surface here. Remember that #SowetoTavernShooting? Well, it was allegedly a bunch of foreigners from SADC. SADC: Southern African Development Community. Individuals not just from Zimbabwe but from SADC countries all got into a taxi and drove to Soweto and murdered a bunch of people. #DisgustingDiversion. How far are we going to push this xenophobic nonsense? And it is nonsense. You do understand that this rhetoric is just to divert our attention from the real story. Right? Tell me you see it! The story about two billionaires are fighting over our country.
In case you missed it, and I’m sure you didn’t, here’s what is really going on.
On the one side we are force fed #OperationDudula, a beautifully branded, T-shirt wearing, glossy placard-waving set of vigilantes who want to get rid of foreigners. Whether they are legal or not is irrelevant. (That’s the narrative). The reason they are at #Kalafonghospital having a scuffle with the EFF is because of those horrible comments from #DrPhopi. She said, over the body of an ill Zimbabwean, that foreigners were to blame for poor service delivery in our hospitals. This ‘leaked video’ launched political chaos on the ground. The #EFF turned up (well they should, shouldn’t they). I mean the #EFF preaches for a continent without borders. Let’s be fair, Julius’ votes are down, and the easiest way to fix that is start a faction that does the opposite, and reach an agreement at the end. Maybe even go back to uBaba all of you.
Let me be absolutely frank, this drone of a xenophobic narrative is a disgraceful diversion. We all know there is a war on the ground. Eskom gets blown up weekly, our railways are obliterated, our trucking industry has to fight to get through protests, water has run out and all of this #Insurrection stuff is grossly under-reported. We are told to believe that every bit of bad news in South Africa is because of a foreigner.
Let’s examine that. Are there lots of illegal people in South Africa? Yes there are. Let’s look at a few of those illegals. Many are escaping hunger and poverty in Zimbabwe. It didn’t happen last week. Zimbabwe has been degenerating over decades and decades. People have come here for the chance to eat through working. How did they get in the country if they are ‘illegal’? Well, we let them; we took whatever bribe was appropriate and opened the gates. Some are refugees sure, some are here on legal documents yes. That document maybe legit but in some instances that legitimate document was paid for nefariously. Regardless, here we are. It didn’t happen yesterday, it happened over tens of years.
Why is it today’s urgent action item? Why does #GaytonMackenzie (and when I write that name you know ridiculousness is about to follow), Gayton said that if a Zimbabwean was dying and was reliant on oxygen to get well, he would remove that oxygen and give it to a South African. He would literally murder the foreigners; he said that. #DivertedYet? Of course you are. You’re going to pay attention to these revolting controversial comments it makes riveting television but so do the KarTrashians apparently. It’s all nonsense. Gayton ain’t working in no government hospital. Come on, focus. Those #Hawks are flying and swooping on hot collars, the presidential race is all that counts. This is just electioneering. Nothing to see here, folks. What this outrageous narrative does do, is awaken a 70% unemployed youth to the fact that they could get a job if the foreigners weren’t here. So it ignites a major fire and causes bodies to rage when our guts want to vomit. #DisgustingDiversion
Just can’t Cope
Mousiua Lekota was suspended and came back to work (that’s sort of what we do here in South Africa – not in real jobs, only in political jobs (well and some real jobs too – Old Mutual I’m looking at you). Suspended president of COPE goes back to work and calls a press conference. He tells us they pushed him out because they believe he’s not physically well enough to run the party. He goes on to explain that he’s fit as a fiddle and the next thing, BANG! A scene out of a Rocky movie. Other COPE members could not cope with this insolence so they stormed in, pulled off the mics and started throwing punches at each other. Live on TV.
One of my favourite interviews this weeks was the legend, Cathy #Mohlalana when she questioned the Presidency’s spokesperson Mondu Gungubele about #Farmgate. She asked why the President had refused to answer the Reserve Bank’s requests and the spokesperson started to speak gibberish. He fumbled, pulled his body right away from the screen and then mumbled something incoherent. Cathy didn’t let her off and she asked, “Is the President taking this seriously?” Because how can you not know that the Reserve Bank have written to him repeatedly for answers. Oh it was funny. These guys just make it up as they go along.
EnyobeniTavern turned into the #EnyobeniMystery as three months later the toxicology report is back and apparently our 21 kids suffocated. Suffocated! What? Three months ago you told the parents that there were chemicals in their mouths conducive to poisoning. At what point did they suffocate you may ask and how? Were they strangled? No, there were too many people in the tavern. What? Yes! They want us to buy this absolute excrement from a bull at the expense of children’s graves. No. We have to draw a line guys. It’s time.
I took to Twitter, the great truth revealer, and after frustrating digging, I found sense. Apparently, there was a bunch of ethanol in their mouths. That’s basically alcohol. Wasn’t there a new alcohol brand being released and that’s why there was this party? Why is there such a massive cover up? because even the families are not allowed to see the toxicology report, even the families! Are you kidding? W T A F with this story, I can’t. There is so much wrong here and it smacks of a big corporate trying to peddle their wares on an unsuspecting market that went very wrong. This cover up is an alcohol manufacturer with big clout. I can feel it. That’s my conspiracy theory, nothing else makes sense. I’m surprised they didn’t say that a taxi turned up with SADC parties who sucked air out of our children’s lungs. Isn’t this revolting?
#TsekMeghan
Ok let’s wrap this up. I’m getting depressed and this is meant to be funny, man! Zondo said that parliament was able to stop #StateCapture, often, and didn’t. We finally saw some big arrests this week, my word did I do a dance of joy when #AnojSingh was handcuffed. I acknowledged #BrianMolefe, but #Anoj and his silly skipping walk has been on my grumble list for years. They nicked R340-million. That’s how much they can “prove” they stole. The true number must be staggering. The #SaxonwoldShebeen King and his skipping chommie are finally behind bars. I wonder if Molefe is crying? One thing’s for sure – Zuma must be seething; this is close to home, this #PRASA arrest. Hold tight, my country, the wheel is actually turning. VBS issued summons on Zuma this week too. This because of a default judgement of R6-million-odd rand and they said they’re going to seize assets! Wonder how much that #firepool is worth?
One thing we are all united in: hating #MeghanMarkle. Would you believe she wanted to come “hide out” here in South Africa after her fisticuffs with the British Monarchy? She said she wanted to “be like Mandela”. That was it – that was the death knell #TsekMeghanMarkle. Mandla Mandela pulled no punches as he told her you don’t get to “be like Mandela”; you can try to emulate his good work, but there is only one and he’s not vomiting nonsense on the Oprah Winfrey show. Take your own hot mess somewhere else, we have enough molten lava tanks thanks. #TsekMeghan
Comrades – I don’t watch a lot of sport but my cheer up of the week has to be #KagisoNdlovu proposing to his girlfriend Prudence live on TV after he finished the great run. She said “yes”, our Prudence and a radio station gathered funding from ordinary South Africans to give them the wedding of their dreams. AWWW isn’t that a nice way to end the week. Even if #SpringDay was cold. Yeah it’s a good story. Here’s another good way to end the week… last Sunday I swam with a Manta Ray, graceful and magical and so far removed from the #DisgustingDiversion. I’m going to see what the sea holds for me this weekend. Keep safe and focus on the goal, not the diversion. We are South Africans, we are extraordinary and we will not be played.
I’m Tonya Khoury and you’ve just scratched the surface with Acumen Media
Good news the KZN Premier is in jail … still this for R37-million water fraud; what hateful crimes to do to a country you’re meant to protect.
Spring day was freezing.
