The nation was on the edge of their seats, popcorn at the ready, I know people who recorded it and didn’t read the headlines in case they saw the outcome before the match was over. Except this wasn’t a match, this was a #GreatReset: Trump vs Ramaphosa.
I’m Tonya Khoury, and I have to say something before I unpack the blockbuster of the year. I write many controversial pieces. Some raise their eyebrows at me for my criticism of the government or of our other political parties. Others ventilate their distaste on social media. I’ve even had my business threatened for my pro-Palestinian stance.
Yet every single time I write debunking the myth of “white farmer genocide”, I get death threats. Real names, on Facebook, with no shame whatsoever telling me they wish I get raped or that they’d like me to feel the cold metal of a gun against my head, others wished ill on my family.
Truth speaker
To the haters: Thanks for the engagement figures, are you reading or watching this week? #TruthSpeaker.
Here we are, my dear country. The #GreatReset. Standing outside the #Withuis, someone was late; it was either our President or it was King Trump. History doesn’t relate. One of the guards in the parade fainted, we can all relate. When our Prez did arrive, the greeting was so quick that only one South African news channel actually filmed it.
The other two were left asking questions live on air like: “Did he shake his hand?”, “Didn’t he shake his hand?”, “Did he arrive?”. That was the beginning and I was howling with laughter.
A quick photo op indeed and Trump was having a bad hair day, it happens to us all. Cyril looked amazing. I told you he was a snappy dresser. He wore a red tie and Trump wore a blue one, now I’m confused, but let’s run with that. Do you think they had a quick dress code call in the car and that was the delay? #TheGreatReset
Sardines in a bait ball
It wasn’t long and there they were, packed like sardines in a bait ball being fed to a #GreatWhite. The #OvalOffice certainly needs an expansion revamp. It was great to see all the South African journos in the room.
Ziyanda Ngcobo, you are my hero friend. I remember how you started your career huddled in the corner of a community radio station reading news and weather and here you are in the #WitHuis speaking to the arguably the most influential man in the world. Shaya Moya!
The entourage: now this was a thing to beleef; here stood two golfers (Ernie Els and Retief Goosen) alongside the richest man in South Africa. A man that some may say is the very epitome of #WhiteMonopolyCapital, a man you can definitely call Julius’ nemesis: #JohannRupert. I thought, this is going to be brilliant. I looked harder.
The golf buddies
There was #RonaldLamola (the head of DIRCO, Israel’s target), COSATU’s first female president, #ZingiswaLosi; #Steenhuizen, my personal favourite. My heart was thumping so hard. Cupcake was first out the gate, gushing and sweet as molasses. He introduced his crew saying that Trump had asked for the golfers to come and he had delivered them.
Trump raised his one brow and he said that our Prez had not brought ALL his golfing buddies, and then Cyril had to explain that Gary Player is a little old for all this rollercoaster in the WitHuis; he is, guys, he’s 89.
To salvage Player’s age and appetite for rabble rousing, Matamela said he’d delivered a gift in the form of a 14-kilogram book of all the golf courses in South Africa. Of course Trump loved that, the MAGA people are weird, big = good! #BigLY
The questions started and eNCA’s Annika Larson lay the first punch. What would it take for Trump to be convinced that there was no “white genocide” in South Africa?
Balls of steel
Ramaphosa leaned across and said, I can answer that for President Trump. Balls of steel, man! And Trump let him, and then Madiba magic entered the room. He is still with us, that incredible giant of a man. You could hear Mandela’s words as President Ramaphosa, my president, said, “It will take President Trump to listen”. #TheGreatReset
Game on, this was not going to be a Zelenskyy show; we are South Africans, we do things differently. We knew we weren’t out of the woods, but we had hope and had almost dismissed the potential roasting of the cupcake and then there it was, Trump called for “the articles” and he told them to turn down the lights.
This can’t be good. Cyril shifted in his seat. They wheeled in the massive telly and there it was… mmmm phapa, mmmm phaphapha, Julius in all his glory. It was a knee jerk reaction, I had it too, Cupcake smirked. We all did. Be honest, you cringed too. It’s Julius, man. I’m surprised the whole South Africa crew didn’t shake their heads or smile, or wait, they did.
The ambush
We can’t help it, he’s a clown; he was once a serious politician and now he’s just the guy we chuck out of parliament, regularly. In fact, Trump should meet Steve Hofmeyr. He’s the same. We just shake our heads and get on with our day. Yet here he was with his red beret at centre stage in the Oval Office. Elon’s glare could be felt from Washington to Sodwana Bay. Mmmmphapha!
And then the memorial of farm deaths that took place in 2020. Trump changed this narrative to suit his theatrix of politrix. He said this was a burial ground. I honestly thought it was #LifeEsidemeni in the beginning but then I remembered the very effective campaign.
Farm murders are not a new plight in South Africa. Ramaphosa was shocked (finally a familiar emotion), he asked where this was and Trump said: “South Africa”. There was an elbow to the ribs, but our President breathed deep despite the ambush. Next came out the articles, a whole pack of them.
Well, this is my neck of the woods, I’ve read most of those headlines and I can tell you for sure, one was from the Congo about a mass burial of women, another was from the Daily Mail, several were simply reporting on the refugees or #Amerikaners, there were only a couple about farm murders.
Hear me for once and for all
Now before you come and threaten me, or my family: Hear me once and for all. Farm murders exist and some are heinous. Not all are on white people, sometimes black people get fed to pigs, chucked to lions, dragged behind bakkies. Sometimes white people get their throats slit and blood smeared across the walls. Murder most foul all of it.
In other parts of the country women who are eight months pregnant get hung from trees and their bellies stabbed repeatedly, others get burnt alive in their beds. All of it, murder most foul. It is not a race or a geo location thing, it’s a South African thing and it has to stop. Black, white, male, female, farmer or media monitor it doesn’t matter. Enough of this incessant revolting crime.
And what the hell has it got to do with Trump? Okay, rant over. Back to the Oval Office:
The showreel stopped and then it was time to answer questions. This is where South Africa shone. First a word on Jumping John. He’s not jumping anymore. I mean apart from the middle-aged spread. Have you noticed a change in John? I have, and he’s a bit less Zille and a little more Ramaphosa right?
Enter Johann Rupert
Anyway, John explained he was from the opposition and couldn’t let an opportunity like this get away, so he added that it is because of the DA, idiots like Juju don’t get into power. He bent the truth a little, it’s more like because Juju and uBaba are at each other’s throats but we’ll let that slide.
Then the golfers spoke, I’m skipping over that, I don’t do sport and neither of them made a massive impression on me. And then enter Johann Rupert. The hero of Suid Afrika! He mopped up any doubt put the room to right and even I got a small crush. What was that? He was incredible. Even South Africa are calling for him to be president next and for Juju to sit down, he’s tired.
And I mean all of South Africa, not just the MAGA crowd. He pointed a finger at #Steenhuisen, saying that he was in charge of the Western Cape and the Cape Flats are terrible, filled with gangs. He said that Julius hates him the most and even he isn’t interested in Julius. His interest is resolving the terrible crime in our country. Yeah man! You go, Johann!
Queen of Africa
And then, our Queen of Africa spoke like an angel, she summed up all my thoughts, she was like a voice I haven’t heard in my country in a long time. #ZingiswaLosi, you put the lid on the pot while the others turned down the heat. You removed the pot from the flame and you did it with grace. You spoke for every South African woman, and we salute you ma’am.
And what was the end result? AGOA is back, back again. Trump is coming to G20. In fact he’s going to own it and Russia are part of it too. Zelenskyy and Putin will talk. We told Elon to bring along Starlink whenever he’s ready, we also signed a couple of more deals creating 50 000 jobs. Not bad hey?
This was despite Peter the journo asking a career limiting question about jets and Arabs. Trump hit the roof on that one. We all agreed that if South Africa could afford a plane, we’d give it to Trump. The #GreatReset. We are certainly an extraordinary nation.
I’m back in the saddle next week and we are welcoming two new family members, Thai and Chi, two more Pekingese are joining the Khoury clan. Puppy breath will certainly replace my potato bass kisses for a few weeks!
I’m Tonya Khoury, thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.
