The biggest story in South Africa this week is #Abahambe! The biggest story in the world overnight? Undoubtedly it’s the beautiful game. Sixteen years ago, Siphiwe Tshabalala scored the first goal and we drew against Mexico.
This time we were the host country. Our government led with a clear message: fist bump or hug a tourist. Our only mission was to make a foreigner ‘feel it, it is here’. Even for Philip, it is here. Great times, weren’t they? Scroll forward to today after we crashed on our first match, and the slogan on our lips is ‘Abahambe’, they must go.
Every four years, for as long as I can remember my dearest friend and I compete during the World Cup. We know nothing about football, but we do understand the game, even the off-side rule and you’d be surprised how many matches we have laughed, cheered and cried our way through.
We do this thing where we each get to choose a team that we predict will win and we alternate. We keep score, play fight about calculations; in fact, this year my friend built a whole app to track our predictions. It is so good we didn’t know there was a game at 5am and apparently I won. So, there you go South Korea for the cup.
Dreams quashed
This year we spoke about boycotting the World Cup; well it’s putrid isn’t it? It’s rigged, FIFA buy and sell weapons for heavens sake, and then there’s the outrageous prices and Trump’s own xenophobia (or do we call that fascism?), which results in lots of chaos where small humans’ dreams are quashed by a big fat orange foot.
The most extraordinary restrictions were placed on #NotMatesWithTheStates. So here we are, two old friends wondering about our own moral compass. We thought about it for about half a minute and then my friend said: “But it’s our thing”, and with that came a whoosh of memories from my teenage years to date and I agreed with her, the beautiful game is for us and our many years of triumphs and troubles. We gather every four years as a globe united by a ball and a net. If only life were that easy.
The World Cup has been chaos and it only started yesterday. I saw #Infantino; it’s a good name for him, Infant-ino, he is an infant. I watched Infantino being grilled by the press about all the turmoil surrounding the Cup, his response: “Chill, relax”. After about three questions he said: “When I said ‘chill’ I didn’t mean we are chilling … he put both feet in his mouth and scored an own goal for FIFA. That was funny.
Football fans have no chill, #InfantInfantino, that’s why you mafia crooks milk it dry. We won’t support your terror but we will take our own selfish joy out of the beautiful game.
Not-so-beautiful Bafana
The beautiful game was not so beautiful for BafanaBafana. They made a terrible debut and Sithole has a lot of questions coming his way. #WorldCupDreams dashed with a two nil defeat. #MexiCAN not #MexiCANT
South Africa has been an awful country this week. We filled up planes with fellow Africans and sent them back to the places they were seeking refuge from. Like I said, Abahambe is the biggest story and it’s putrid.
I covered this a couple of weeks back. I got hammered for my view and that is this: If a person has papers to be in our country, they must be here. If they don’t have papers, let’s deal with that situation humanely. This #MarchAndMarch and threatening to shut down South Africa doesn’t help anyone.
And while we are told all foreigners must leave by 30 June, what we are forgetting is that the #SpazaShop won’t be open, the cellphone repair shop will be shut. It means that there are no IOUs accepted from the shop owner. Checkers doesn’t work like that.
There are no jobs
And why are you’re chasing the foreigners away? If you ask South Africans they will respond with one of two things:
- They’re taking our jobs
- They’re selling drugs to our kids
So hear me out. They’re not taking our jobs, there are no jobs, over 60% of youth are unemployed. Who’s fault is that? Our incumbent government. And as for selling drugs to our kids, where are the police? Oh wait, those are the ones that are selling the drugs to the drug dealers to sell to your kids. And who’s fault is that? The incompetent, incumbent government.
There is also a large argument to be had about which foreigners are contributing to our downfall and spiral into poverty. Is it really the Zimbabweans? Well, this week alone some rich okes in Cape Town shut 300 clothing stores to make more margin for online shopping and less staff. So those okes are allowed to stay here? Just checking your bias.
The president’s PowerPoint
The images coming out of Middleburg and Ekurhuleni are mind blowing. Make it stop. But it won’t stop, not when you have politicians like Kenny Kunene telling us to poison the foreigners like rats, with Rattex, and our President comes out with a whole powerpoint of how foreigners must leave. Think about the next day: once your land is ‘cleansed’ where will you buy bread and eggs? Ungaaz!
To add injury to insult, 12 people were gunned down in Cleveland and 10 more were wounded. It’s not Cleveland, Ohio. No ways, this is in Jozi and it’s all to do with those pesky foreigners and illegal mining, I wonder how they refine that gold once they’ve salvaged it?
Oh yes, that would be the fat cat foreigner we all ignore because we can’t say their names too loudly. That’s who you should be evicting. The groot man behind all this pain. #IncumbentGovernment and corporate greed.
I had a brilliant week as far as news is concerned. The #MadlangaCommission is an howler for comedy and not a bad drama if that’s what you’re looking for on #CanalPlus, oh sorry, DStv. This week another big name was dropped.
The WhatsApp story at #MadlangaCommission
The Commission issued a formal notice ordering crime intelligence deputy head Major-General Feroz Khan to testify on 1 July. He must remain before the commission until excused, the order said. Khan had tried to skuttle away and tuck his cellphones in his pocket as he exited but not this time, #KreepyKhan. Both the blocking of cellphone records and his attendance are mandatory.
The #MadlangaCommission told us everything about WhatsApp and the short story is this: if you’re a crook, WhatApp isn’t your best starting point for communication. Every single line (deleted or not) can be retrieved even your ‘view once’ photos. I hear you gulp through the screen. Don’t worry man, chill relax, you’re not a #KreepyKhan so why would you care?
We heard from a Hawks officer, identified only as Witness I, how he survived what he believes was a targeted hit. The attack left him hospitalised with severe injuries. He also testified that he lived in Vusimusi #CatMatlala’s home for two years. He claimed he never met Matlala during his stay and only later learned Matlala was involved in criminal activities. Thank goodness we can retrieve the WhatsApp messages, hey? Then we’ll know for sure.
Feigning everying
What cheered m up was watching Gauteng Traffic police chief Samuel Mashaba swallow his own words under the scrutiny of the #MadlangaCommission. This man deliberated on every line trying every single tactic in the book: divert, deny, feign memory loss, feign lack of language knowledge, feign, feign.
#FeigningMashaba almost fainted because he got obliterated once questioned by the three black-robed justice seekers. His cellphone betrayed him as did his bank account and we learnt that it is very likely this guy was complicit in a R300 million drug bust.
There was eye-watering testimony that stunk of brazen corruption. I mean this guy heads up the Traffic Police in Gauteng. Read that again, “traffic police in Gauteng”, yet this oke has the Hawks on speed dial and for a fee will get people at the airport to hijack bags filled with dollars. Well, that’s as long as the traffic allows him to be there on time, hey? #ChillRelax, it’s all part of the cracks. #IncumbentGovernment
Talking about no chill, did you see Trump crash out this week? That was something. I knew the oke was orange, but RED, no man, is this oke a chameleon? He had a disastrous interview with NBC’s Kristen Welker. She asked him why he promised ’Merica #NoMoreWars and yet here they are in a futile war that is damaging the US’s reputation and its pocket “like no one has ever seen”.
Frustrated with facts
Trump became frustrated with facts. He tore into Kristen accusing her of being crooked and stupid. He called her work place corrupt and disgraceful. He was so furious that he turned bright red, removed his microphone, stood on it and walked off saying: “Let’s call it quits, I’ve had enough”. So have we, Thumper, so have we.
He also told us that he loves inflation. This and the interview with NBC come off the back of his crash out with Kaitlin Collins from CNN. The orangutang lashed out and he abused this chick in front of all her peers. She stood firm amid his vitriol and humiliation.
He spat words at her, calling her a corrupt reporter, the worst reporter. He said CNN has “no ratings because of people like you,” and demeaned her personally with phrases like: “She’s a young, beautiful woman … “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile”; “hatred in her eyes”; “never smiles.”
He objectified her appearance and demeanour in the most belittling way. This is not new for Trumpet, he loves to target female reporters who challenge him. Remember that reporter he called “piggy”? What a piece of work he is, this orange puppet. He was close to a deal with Iran but today he’s going to blow them to smithereens. We’ve worked it out, Donnie Jay. Your friends are playing the stock market and the collateral damage is your forgotten sons.
#FelonyMelanie
I tell you who you are not, Trump. You are not #FelonyMelanie, a B-rate South African celebrity who left my country to live in yours because she was “persecuted” but neither she or her crooked husband were farmers, just to be clear, but they are white. #FelonyMelanie was deported home after being charged with theft.
She went on a national broadcaster and tried to pull a Trump move by storming out and insulting the journalist. She got the same result as Trump: a bunch of boos from anyone who would listen.
That’s it, I’m ending on #FelonyMelanie. Don’t give this chick more airtime. She really is lapping it up and trying to play an audience that long outgrew her unreal housewives and her phony nails.
Stay loose, pray for my goose. Thank you for joining me and Acumen Media for another scratch of that media surface.
