Trump stomped over my timeline like a greedy orange hippo. He made jaws drop and had people on their feet in either love or hate across the planet this week. He certainly took over South Africa’s social media and when I put his name in the machine this morning, I assumed brace position.
Over 1.3 million articles in seven days. Yes indeed, Trumpet, the headline hogger.
I’m not surprised at the amount of press as there was not a single country that wasn’t impacted by #TrumpInauguration in some way. Think about it. He exited the World Health Organisation. The impact on our continent alone eye watering. He said he’s leaving the #ParisAccord because he wants to “drill baby, drill”.
He also said he’d annex #Greenland. The Danish president came out saying: “Let me use words Trump will understand: “Fuck Off”. That was funny. #ThumperTrumper also said that decades ago US had gifted the #PanamaCanal to Panama. He went on to explain that during the course of history, Panama has given more and more of this strategic waterway to China.
Art of the steal
He said that if the US wanted to give it to China, they would have, so now he’s taking it back. I was flabbergasted, but only for a little bit after chatting to a friend who said that this is the classic ‘Art of the Deal’ move that Trump has perfected. He’s not going to take the Panama Canal he just wants Panama to poop its pants and lower the tariffs.
He doesn’t want to steal #Greenland; he wants to use the strategic positioning of the continent and the environment to escalate trade. He’s not really leaving WHO, he wants them to remove some outrageous clause that says if there’s another pandemic, they get to control a myriad of functions in affected countries.
This is how he negotiates. Like a stray nuke, that actually has a loving home. He’s mental, this guy. The #ArtOfTheSteal
Let me give you a quick walk through of the inauguration. #Melania looked like Mary Poppins. I think her hat served its purpose when Trump couldn’t get his creepy lips near her. The audience was filled with billionaires and megalomaniacs. Crooked Hilary burst into laughter as Trump officially renamed Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America.
Biden had a fat grin on his face, he was so happy to do a … “that’s all, folks”. And then there was six-foot nine Barron, the gormless youngest Trump son. It looked like it was painful for him to smile. One meme said that “clinical depression sold separately”. That was funny.
Two genders
#TrumpyWumpy didn’t stop there. He told us that there are only two genders: male and female. To which the entire crowd leaped to its feet. Was this non-binary stuff so big in America that it warranted voting for the tangerine? He declared a state of emergency at the Mexican border and sent troops to stop the influx of “criminals” this is how he referred to foreign nationals.
He removed the American ‘birthright’, you know that little thing that says where you were born determines your nationality, yes that, it’s gone. He removed all Spanish translations off the official websites for the Presidency in the worst case of xenophobia I’ve seen to date, but to be fair they have got an immigration problem, and I wish we had deployed troops to stop the influx of foreigners into South Africa, or if we can just deport those that are illegal that would be great, thanks.
A story that I found hilarious and infuriating was this nonsense of banning #TikTok; apparently Biden did that (do you think Biden even knows what a TikTok is?). Placeholders went up on the platform to say: “Oops we don’t operate in your country” and then the next day when Trump was inaugurated there was a message to say, “Thanks Donnie, we’re back online”.
According to the #ArtOfTheSteal, he now wants 50% of TikTok, do you see it now? Another thing is that during the 24-hour hiatus; TikTok suddenly cared about what you said and any post that carried #FreePalestine was censored.
Spain part of BRICS
The #TangoMan signed so many orders and acts that Donald’s pen wanted to resign. During his signing feeding frenzy, one of the journalists asked a question about Spain. Trumpet asked if the journo knew that Spain was part of #BRICS, the journo nodded and Trump kept banging on about how it was important to consider BRICS as a whole before one spoke to Spain directly. That was funny.
In his inauguration speech Trump told the world that he was ordained by God after surviving the ear shot thingy. Many pointed out that he didn’t put his hand on the Bible during the swearing in ceremony but that wasn’t his biggest run in with religion. He attended a religious mass where the priest did not hold back. She told Trump that he had instilled fear into the LBGTQi community and would he please reconsider.
He didn’t but it was entertaining.
Trump also pardoned all 1 600 insurrectionists. Among them a murderer that had been given 20 years. Asked why he pardoned a hardened criminal he said he’d “Look into that” but that there were far worse Mexican people wandering the streets. Laugh? I nearly did.
Musk bromance
I suppose we have to talk about Trump’s bromance and YMCA dancer #Elon. Elon also made himself an instant meme when Trump announced that they were going to put an American flag on Mars. I wish they’d both take a long trip, don’t you? And yes, Muskette did get up on stage and give a Nazi salute, twice. But don’t worry, #Netanyahu said it was alright and that guy can tell a Nazi from a mile off.
Talking about Israel/Palestine, the ceasefire was agreed between Hamas and Israel. And as the Gazans rummage through rubble to set free their dead from the weight of Israel’s bombardment, a completely new war started in the West Bank. All chaos broke loose.
You’ll remember the war is about Hamas and the hostages right? Well in the annexed West Bank there is no Hamas and there are no hostages and this has now been interpreted by Netanyahu as open season. Demolition vehicles tore into Jenin and other parts of the #WestBank as if it were October the 7th all over again. It was never about Hamas, it was never about the hostages.
Gaza goodie bags
Talking of hostages, did you see the release of the first three women by Hamas? They were given Gaza goodie bags. Most times fact is stranger than fiction. They were also escourted by hundreds of Hamas soldiers. For each soldier that Israel blew to pieces another one stood up. That was the message of a nation who fears no death. #FreePalestine
I knew Trump was going to take over my column, but now I’m left with no space to tell you what happened here at home. The King is having wedding woes, there’s a massive fuel shortage at the airport. The R370 grant is being axed. There were 1 500 deaths recorded on the roads this holiday season. There are more foreigners in our prisons than locals, why are we housing them? Can you call the tangerine please?
Season 421 of the #SenzoMeyiwa trial started again this week. And if we are to believe the media, the #ZamaZamas at Stilfontein are headed up by an oke called Tiger. Tiger, tiger, shining bright in the deepest hole in sight. I don’t buy this story at all but if you’re interested, he apparently bought his way out and evaded arrest and now he’s disappeared.
Disgusting predator
And what is happening in our legal fraternity. Apart from the disgusting predator #Mbenenge and the horrific content we have to endure on our television screens, why on earth is this case being streamed live? Shouldn’t there be some serious age restrictions in place? Is it to humiliate #Mengo (his secretary) as much as possible? It certainly felt like it.
We saw the resignation of legal mind #JeremyGauntlett because of claims of sexual harassment. And still on the topic of judges, remember that judge who was so drunk he drove into a wall? #Motota tried to have his case overturned, it was dismissed. I feel like the actual case happened in 1485, we love a long-winded court case in South Africa, it should be a crime.
And a lead into the most revolting crime this week: Randburg man was caught with 10 million images of child pornography. Surely that’s not one man but a syndicate. What is the full story? We have to stop this plague. #SmokeThemOut
I could tell you about the R100bn transformation fund bill and that #IthalaBank is in serious trouble or that Ace’s secretary lost her appeal or even how #KennyKunene had a public spat. I could tell you inflation is on the rise but I’ve run out of words and you’ve had your first real week back at work, so let’s agree that we all deserve a news free weekend and leave it at that.
I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.