He thumped home, didn’t he? It was a landslide. Too close to call? What a load of rubbish, it was the red tide. One guy on social media said that waiting for the American voting results was like waiting to find out which STD you had. Another said that the world suspected t ’merica was dumb but now the whole world is certain.
I’m Tonya Khoury, I have bags under my eyes from all the late-night counting and head shaking. Some of you are questioning why it happened? It was obvious. Did you hear #Kamala talk? Firstly, I think every presidential candidate had a lesson on how to hold your hands when speaking in public, because she does the same concertina hands that Trumpette does.
Secondly, her speech was a broken record, no matter what you asked this chick, she’d come back with “But wouldn’t it be great to get a tax break on your first house?”. I don’t think America is dumb, I think their electioneering is.
Want to know why Trump won? He’s the people’s president, sure, but there were several key media strategies that pushed him well over the line. Peanut the squirrel was one. Yes, a squirrel. Some guy owned a squirrel called Peanut and a raccoon called Fred. Somehow it got out that he owned these animals without a permit and, well, let’s just put it like this: Fred and Peanut got their angel wings.
Called it straight
Trump called it straight; he said Kamala did it. And the nation lapped it up. Peanut was a major reason for Thumper Trumper to bound across the stage and come pick up his prize. Of course, one has to add that #ElonMusk was running round the streets of Philly with a bunch of cheques for votes (isn’t that literally buying votes?).
And then a last-minute endorsement from the nation’s earpiece, #JoeRogan, resulted in no blue wave, just an annoying dripping tap followed by a red tsunami.
On election night there were 60 bomb threats, making the head of defence a little nervous as he told people to “F around and find out”. Nice and professional there ’Merica. Even Mbaks wouldn’t have used that language. Okay wait, he might have.
The Chat
Social media did something priceless, though; it was called #EnteredTheChat. Women from all around the world expressed support for Kamala by posting comments like: England #EnteredTheChat coupled by a couple of blue wave emojis and blue hearts. Didn’t work, but it was cute.
So here we are, good people, surrounded by wealthy, abhorrent leadership across the world.
And definitely no route out for Palestine. I spoke to a dear friend who came up with an incredible idea. Why don’t #Hamas just take those hostages, drive to the gates of Rafah and drop them off, clothed and fed. That is a checkmate move because Netanyahu will not stop.
Once and for all it would be a message to the world that this was never about the hostages. Bibi fired #Gallant, the list guy, the head of defence. They had a barney and there can be only one winner. Israelis were furious and took to the streets and threatened to breach #Satanyahu’s house. #SendTheHostagesHome and then you’ll see. #GenocideIsReal
Beyond brutal
Let’s focus on South Africa. The outside world is beyond brutal. When you check on South African news it no longer looks so bad, does it? I mean sure, you have #DaliMpofu jumping the EFF ship and joining the MK band of bandits, but come on ,guys, that was more obvious than a Trump win.
He’s expensive, our Dali Mpofs, might as well just hire him. Have you seen MK? It’s one parolee after another. What’s going on there, it seems that every crook in the land has found a haven at Zuma’s pozzi.
We also heard how #Duduzane, Zuma’s prodigal son, returned to the MK fold. The succession plan is set, ladies and gentlemen. At some point they are bound to work out that they actually have to do some work right? Right?
At the tail end of last week, #ZiziKodwa escaped trial and possibly prison; as a card-carrying member of the ANC, he may want to reconsider his political home, the chickens will eventually be home to roost. I believe that. The truth will always out. It hasn’t failed me yet, only patience has failed me.
The new Covid
Yesterday, 110 kids suffered food poisoning, one-hundred-and-ten of our littleys. That’s an insane number of children. Apparently, this time, it was samp. We’ve heard all sorts this week, it’s been chocolate, biscuits, chicken, anything a spaza shop can stock became the new Covid. Impossible to pin down and spreading like a runaway fire. I’m still not convinced on this #SpazaShop tirade.
People are social distancing from #SpazaShops and other township economy pillars. I think this war on the #SpazaShop has its own agenda. Time will tell but I smell a rat, one that escaped the pesticide. I hate to say it but if just one white kid died, this would be a very different conversation. Gross, hey? Tell me it’s not true, go on, I’ll wait. The nation is calling for a state of emergency. It won’t happen, these are our kids. Haven’t we already proven that we don’t care about children? #TheNewCovid
And then there was the #BelaBill march. Just wow, how many old South African flags are still being raised to the racist breeze? Ten thousand people turned up to a march at the Voortrekker monument. They were led by #Afriforum (no surprise), #FFPlus (obviously) and #Solidariteit (I’d expect nothing less). #SteveHofmeyr was there, standing tall among the towering racism as if he had landed in #ApartheidHeaven.
Gayton and BELA protest
And then … and I must say this surprised me… #Gayton, the people’s bae standing for Afrikaans, sure, but also standing in a #KluKluxKlan party. The whole things was led by #JumpingJohn Steenhuisen; that made me raise an eyebrow but didn’t help my jaw on the floor about Gayton. Look I get it, Afrikaans is one of our precious languages in our unique South Africa.
I get it completely. Would I want Zulu speaking schools to insist on English over the preferred home language? Oh wait, there are no Zulu speaking schools, they all teach in English. Okay wait, let’s try this, would I want a Chinese school to teach in English in South Africa? Well, they also don’t teach in English. What on earth makes Afrikaans so special? Or is it more like you can push back on black pupils who aren’t fluent in Afrikaans? Gotcha! So, the way to put your point across is to fly the apartheid flag high over the Voortrekker monument? No, you’re not going to be misunderstood at all, your message is very clear.
#Rachel and Siya broke up, the nation was devastated for a couple of minutes; hey guys relationships are not easy. Rachel didn’t waste time though; she was seen rubbing elbows with #PrinceWilliam at the #EarthShot event. The earth is shot, but did we have to name an event after it?
There was a pile of news I haven’t really touched on. Zille and Mbalula are still at each other’s throats; they had a public spat, again. It was about the establishment of the GNU, again. It was boring, again. We tried, and failed, to extradite the Guptas. The #N2 collapsed at the South Coast, watch out holiday makers you might be swimming in the sea quicker than you imagine.
Eastern Cape a war zone
Gangster and general bad guy #MarkLifman was assassinated this week; there are rumours that the fatal shooting has something to do with the #Kinnear case. Will we ever have justice for Charl? Probably not. Talking about miss carrying justice, Magashule’s PA is back in court and the Eastern Cape has become South Africa’s war zone. Kidnappings, rape and mass murder are regular headlines out of this region of South Africa.
State of emergency is definitely needed here. These places are out of control, send in the army. What are we waiting for? Are they still building bridges? Are they fixing the N2? Things that seem so simple to us voters are so complicated for our leaders aren’t they?
It’s my birthday next week and I wanted to jump off a boat in Mozambique’s Ponta do Oura; of course the country imploded because of elections and the borders are now shut. I think that’s very inconsiderate. I only wanted to see a fever of hammerhead sharks. They could have held on, surely? Thank goodness I live in paradise, and I’ll be on a boat for most of next week regardless, don’t worry I’ll still read the news, so you don’t have to.
I’m Tonya Khoury. Thank you for scratching the surface with me and Acumen Media.
