For the first time in my life, I turned my phone off completely, never listened to the news, nor had a care for humans.
I joined the greatest shoal on earth and dived headlong into the #SardineRun. I know the enormous privilege I have been given, I know that many will not see what I saw in the sea. The most important thing this adventure taught me is that we are insignificant. When a humpback whale swims up to you and is as docile as a cat, you will understand everything else is mere folly.
I’m back, the news is dreadful and I’ve been watching it so you don’t have to. But for a little while, I didn’t even #ScratchTheSurface because I was beneath it. Which means you and I have some catching up to do.
I learnt several things during my trip, one of which was to listen to my leader with great attention. When he says “Standby” you better be ready and when he shouts “Go”, you jump in that water quietly and with purpose.
Something off in Senzo trial
Look down and the magic begins. I put my magical experience down to our magnificent country and a fearless leader who has your best experience in mind all the time. That is such a contrast to our three big stories that dominated timelines while I was away. #SenzoMeyiwa, #PaulMashatile’s #VIPProtectionUnit and #explosions in Johannesburg.
I have not watched every minute of the #SenzoTrial but that that I’ve seen shows that there is definitely off, something rotten and something wicked. #ZandiKhumalo took to the stand and she was incredibly rude and her testimony unhelpful. You’d think after the turmoil this country has been through with the death of Senzo, she’d show some respect for the court process.
Not Zandi, her arrogance knows no boundaries. She refused to demonstrate how the “perpetrator” wore the hoody because it would “mess up” her hair. She also told one of the advocates to watch his tone as she was not his wife. What does that even mean?
#Mshololo took to questioning the local celebrity. We love Mshololo in our YouTube Court, she’s our superhero. When #Zandi and Mshololo were going at each other there were over 120 000 people in the live chat on the SABC page. We are hungry for justice, we want justice for Senzo at the very least.
We’ve been robbed and battered but we want to see justice served for our slain football captain. So when #Mshololo stood up, we grabbed our popcorn and the seat of our pants. Incredibly, the judge took all the spark from the people’s advocate, he railroaded her and told her off more times than you can count.
I’m not sure what’s going on here but it’s not right. #Mshololo was close to tears while simply doing her job. I don’t like this judge. He seems capable, but he’s just not a nice person. I suppose we have to leave that at the door when you’re seeking justice and perhaps he is just pragmatic and my questions behind his reasoning and my raised eyebrow are unwarranted.
Picked on
But, in my opinion, Mshololo was picked on. Not only her but most of the advocates were bullied by the judge. #Mnisi, one of my favourites, looked at the judge incredulously when he got barked at for asking how wide the road was around the neighbour’s house.
The stories changed. There was a conflict about what cars were parked where and who the neighbours saw running out of the house. The crime scene was also compromised by one of the neighbours as she went to get a “glass of water” in the same kitchen where Senzo was shot.
She was either nosey or paid, but her testimony doesn’t stack up and the advocates made that clear even though the judge made that difficult to get across. There really is something wrong here, my friends. The intruders were like #OscarPistorius intruders – fictional.
There was more, #Standby, #KellyKhumalo is not taking the stand. You may ask why, well go on then. Why? Ungaaz, I don’t know. We do know though that Kelly called Chicco #Twala, Longwe’s pops just after the murder.
Mashatile’s ‘protection’: nothing to see here
Remember that #VIPProtection unit that beat a man unconscious on the side of the road, well #Standby. Those guys belong to our deputy president #PaulMashatile and according to one of the “protection” perpetrators, no assault took place. You read that right, they were merely doing their job and were invited by the people in the car to remove them from the car.
#Standby … Go. This is not a joke, this is not a #ChairmanMao recording; this is what I read so you don’t have to. The unit has been charged and we await their day in court where we will ask them what was on the video we all watched. It was clearly an assault. There is no question.
But #Kojoana, one of the accused, was asked if he was denying the video and he said, “Yes, I’m denying the video”. Oh there’s more. Standby … there is a WhatsApp group filled with ANC members, who wanted to print T-Shirts with the slogan, #HandsOffMashatile. I’m serious.
#FikileMbalula, who seems to have moved from #MinisterOfAlles to our President, I mean really this guy is working like a snorkel on a #SardineRun. Fikile Mbalula said that no ANC member should do that but that if they want their T-shirts they can have them. Yes this is what we are prioritising this week, T-shirts.
Serious business, don’t standby, nothing to see here, the waters are murky.
Joburg exploded
Then #JoburgExplosions began. It started in #BreeStreet, the Heathrow of taxis in Johannesburg; it was a massive blast and the roads started to sink. One man, in a viral video, shows us that you can be saved from absolute horror by half a step to the left.
South Africa joked that this was #RoadShedding because we always have our sense of humour and then a few days later we were told that there was a gas fire in #Chloorkop, which was not so funny anymore. A couple of days ago (and you probably missed it) there was a raging fire at a plant in Selby.
Want to know why you missed that last one? Because this is now considered ‘normal’ and we always look away to miss the breaching whale. We’ve already given the #Zamas free reign so we can always blame the foreigners. And South Africans are mesmerised by the baitball without realising they’re inside it.
Bathabile’s spanked rear end
I’ve got to speed up, it is called “the run”, after all. There was a witness shot in #SkunkHead #Gumede’s case, which was subsequently postponed. #JubJub was arrested for rape and attempted murder. #ANCWL elects one of the oldest members I’ve seen, but at least Bathabile Dlamini got a tenth of the votes. That made me happy even though we have clearly sacrificed our women for another year.
The look on #Bathabile’s face was a good minute though. Her face looked like a spanked rear-end. The EFF turned 10 – a friend said they act like it. Ha, that’s funny, and #Standby because #Julius can’t slaughter the cow but he can milk it.
Then #Ramokgopa says Komati was closed deliberately and will solve all our load shedding woes; really don’t standby then, #GO. Legend to many #DerekWatts left #CarteBlanche. The #DigitalVibes story keeps changing and there’s no sign of our former #HealthMinister, #ZweliMkhize.
A few more big headlines
Watch the horizon, there’s nothing to see here, folks. I almost forgot, #Putin’s not coming! Paedophile #GerhardAckerman, charged and found guilty of 700 child abuse cases, and now found to be unable to be rehabilitated.
Seven hundred lives he mutilated and he is considered beyond rehabilitation. That man should be given to the families of the victims. He shouldn’t enjoy the luxury of prison.
There are a few more big headlines so hold on tight as we beach this report, #Buthelezi is in hospital, the #PostOffice is officially bankrupt, the #JulyUnrest (or #Insurrection) instigators are in court; no man, not the #Zumas. Just the small herrings trying to escape the swooping birds. Two buses collided in Johannesburg injuring 75 people and #Steinhoff is about to be dissolved.
Are you ready for good news? #Standby…
Advertisers having a field day with Barbie
#Mkhwebane’s impeachment process moves forward, it’s the principle for me now, her job ends in October, but I’ve watched too many hours of parliamentary teevee not to jump when we have the GO.
And then there was sport, the #WorldChampionships say #Schoenmaker swim her way to victor. #Banyana kept playing with our emotions and then there was #Barbie fever.
Personally I used to play with Cindy dolls not #Barbie but that’s because I’m old and Cindy could bend her fingers and everything. However I am definitely in the minority as #Barbie has painted the world pink. And advertisers are having a field day.
There are some treasures out there in memedom. Check out #OumaRusks #GlamGran Barbie, and HeineKEN’s play on words for some clever creatives. Or check out what one man can do one of the largest social media platforms in the world.
Twitter X’ed
#Musk has destroyed the platform formerly known as Twitter. Now called X, with a logo that a three-year-old drew (probably his son), and according to the unhinged billionaire, Twitter/ X will become a place for everything. Huh? Wasn’t it that place anyway.
Look #Twitter was not for sissies, it was a cesspit of hate and vitriol but it was the great citizen journalism showcase and the truth seeker. Twitter will find you and expose you. X is just lame and perhaps he did it because of #Zucks failing #Threads.
Who knows? I just think we should #TakeBackTwitter with all its nastiness; we need keyboard warriors. They never give you the #Standby holler, though, and have been known to make or break brands in seconds. The apex predator just got hammered. #Xed
And then my tragedy of the year, our precious #SineadOConnor died this week. A Muslim revert with a voice of an angel. She had always been too good for us. We didn’t listen. We missed the #Standby when she was on the #Go.
I’m Tonya Khoury and thank you for scratching the surface with me. #NothingCompares2U