“There were a lot of them making up and down, but you could see that this one is this one, this one is this one…” ~ Julius Mkhwanazi at the Madlanga Commission.
I’m going to make you laugh, even though I shouldn’t because this is serious stuff. This week the deputy chief of Ekurhuleni Metro Police Department, one Julius Mkhwanazi, became the second court jester of the day. He rambled so much he tripped himself up, repeatedly.
He’s had two days on the stand, and no one can make head of tail of what this tsotsi is on about, but at least he was funny. He had the commissioners and the analysts snorting with laughter as he told them he was not a “facilitator” in the handing over of the blue light brigade to known criminal, ‘Cat’ Matlala. He said he helped but he did not facilitate, because facilitators go to jail and he cannot go to jail for something he did not do.
When the commissioner pointed out that he did exactly that but that the commission was not the police to send him to jail – he was the police. Julius M insisted it was not so because these commissions make a finding and even though the commissioner himself may not see him to jail, he would not see this judge again for 10 or 50 years.
The things he didn’t do
This man is in charge of the police in Ekurhuleni and after two gruelling days on the stand he started to vomit about “things he didn’t do”, and there was a great deal he “didn’t do”. As the interrogation got heavier, JM finally admit to receiving more than R70 000 from Cat Matlala. When pressed he admitted that Cat was his friend for life and they lent each other petrol money or paid school fees, funerals and actually Cat would give him anything he needed. He was a real friend.
He also added that Cat assured him when he retires he will continue taking care of him and open businesses for him while he is relaxing at home. These are things he did not do. He felt the heat, though. At one point I thought he was going to pass out, he drank more water than Hemingway drank whisky. He sweated like a guilty person in the dock (oh ja, he is one). In the end he admitted, with painful testimony, that Cat Matlala owned the EMPD in its totality in Ekurhuleni, the blue lights, the red lights, if there were purple lights he’d own them too.
Basically, this oke sold off the entire fleet and its occupants as a “branding exercise”. Because nothing says “metro police efficiency” like outsourcing your emergency response to a company that sounds like a discount medical aid. #BrandFail
Our new normal
I’m Tonya Khoury it really feels like I’ve scratched too hard and broken the surface of the rats’ nest in #Ekurhuleni. I learnt something unbelievable; you can use the word “tenderpreneur” as a legit job on your CV, folks. Newsrooms are even using it as a strap line for a gangster as if it is a career path. I remember when we all thought it was a funny and clever joke. Now it’s our new normal.
The #MadlangaCommission or as I prefer to call it the #MudslingingCommission. What if I told you that Jay Mkhwanazi wasn’t even the funniest or the most terrifying experience this week. I missed you last week, so that means I didn’t cover the testimony of #CatMatlala himself at the #AdhocParliamentaryCommittee, which is done now, they ran out of cash.
Anyway, they pulled this Cat out of th e(woollies) bag from the shackles of chookie. They made him come and tell the truth and nothing but the truth… ridiculous. He wore Fendi, apparently an expensive brand that I’ve never heard of. (He also wore Gucci and Burberry: Ed) I wear sandals and wetsuits. Cat told us that he had given #BhekiTheHat several hundred thousand rands and he just kept coming back for more.
The black Woolies bag
In Cat’s mind, Bheki had fleeced him by coming back for more and more hundreds of thousands. Cat made a point of saying if you were walking with a black Woolies bag, it was bound to be free cash for Bheki, not a bribe though, those only come in Louis Vitton, if you remember the News24 sting.
That was a definitely bribe, what happened to her? I digress, Cat started ignoring Bheki’s calls because The Hat’s greed was unquenchable. A few moments later, Cat was locked up for trying to kill his girlfriend. When asked why Cat bribed Cele, Cat responded that he had not bribed anyone; he had given the money freely.
When the judge explained that there is a corruptor and a corruptee and that he was definitely the corruptor, he didn’t agree. And that’s when it struck me. None of these gangsters actually think they are doing anything wrong. That’s why tenderpreneur is a job title now. Malema opened our hearts of steel for a second by asking Cat how he grew up. He had an albino mother and because of the myth that has circulated where having sex with an albino cures HIV/Aids, his mother was raped frequently and she ran away, abandoning her family.
Cat was young, he grew up on the streets. It reminded me of an opening scene of Tsotsi the movie, but then I remembered this mofo wanted to shoot his girlfriend in the face. With or without Bheki Cele, a black Woollies bag and a Fendi shirt.
The court jester
I told you our Jay Mkhwanazi was a court jester, but he wasn’t on his own there were actually two. Just before he took the stand we watched the testimony of #ImogenMashazi, she was putting on lipstick, sticking her tongue out, pulling faces, laughing, scrolling on her phone and so much more.
Ladies and gentlemen I present to you your former Ekurhuleni city manager. She said the toughness of the Madlanga Commission would give her a stroke but you’d never say it watching her in the stand; she thought the whole thing was a very funny joke. In fact, the commission was so hilarious that when Sello, a fine advocate, said “next question”, this chick turned around and said, “How many questions are there still to go”?
Throughout her testimony she lied and got caught in a web and then tried to blame subordinates for the fact that people were raped under her watch, within her organisation. She quite literally blamed the lack of justice on “admin” and then smiled draped in red lipstick. Apparently the lipstick came from Edgars, I wanted to use that lipstick to paint a cross over her forehead and send her to the gallows.
Dolce and Gabbana a branding exercise?
I watched a clip where she is wearing Hermes and Dolce & Gabbana among others. One person in the comments added up her outfit and came in at 700k. Maybe it was a branding exercise.
Not to be outdone, the Ekurhuleni Municipal Soap Opera unveiled its next plot twist: the suspension of Legal Head Kemi Behari. His alleged crime? Using his legal prowess to protect the now-legendary suspended police chief, Julius Mkhwanazi. It’s a beautiful display of circular accountability: suspend everyone involved, pay them in full, and let a commission untangle the mess.
A flawless system packaged in a #BlackWooliesBag dressed with red lipstick. It must be said that Woolworths are quicker than a blue light brigade, they’ve changed their black bags to white bags that are “transparent”. So fast, so clever and really unnecessary.
And then the big guy himself suspended/special leave Minister Senzo Mchunu took to the stand. Sello let him roll on, I thought it was over, he was eloquent and explained in great detail that all murders matter and there shouldn’t be specific task forces for specific murders. Murder is murder.
The KKKs
I wonder if Kallie Kriel knows that as he continues to perpetuate the myth of farmer genocide to Trump. This week Heinz Winky Winkler stood with Kallie and the Kiffness stating that they are Christians and that means they can hate on black people as much as they like. I wonder what the percentage of black people in South African are Christian.
When I see Kallie’s face I become almost homicidal. Put him, Imogen and Jay M on Robben Island and let us all visit and laugh at them. We’ll even buy souvenirs like #Edgars Red Lipstick, Woollies bags and Fendi keyrings for our Maseratis. We will not be buying old apartheid flags though. Jammer, Kallie.
Back to the team that saw the problem and expertly chose to ignore and benefit from it. Senzo Mchunu was giving it stick with his “all murders are equal” gambit at the #MadlangaCommission and then the judge promptly took his derriere and handed it to him on a platter. Mchunu even smiled a little as he took a massive tumble down from ego valley to penitentiary.
He said that he had woken up on the 29 December and decided to disband the ‘Political Killings Task Team’. He didn’t disband any other task team, but this one was subject to the #AllMurdersMatter category. It happened to be at the same time as KT Molefe (Cat Matlala’s chom) was being arrested. That was coincidental, the minister said.
Mchunu’s Gandalf powers
Asked if he was allowed to disband other task teams he said ‘no’, but could not answer as to why he had special powers like Gandalf over #PKTT. So, it turns out #NhlanhlaMkhwanazi was absolutely right. The place is rotten and shoving them into a theatre of accountability without any consequences. My South Africa.
We get sucked into the narrative and forget that we are still chasing Zuma’s Arms Deal where the appeal was denied again. How long has this trial being jumping like popcorn through the courts? Will we continue like this until we all old and bitter?
We had a successful #G20Summit and Ramaposer made sure Trump knew we would not be bullied as he tried to accept the G20 relay stick via courier pigeon. Rama was having none of it and wrote a strongly worded letter. This whole debacle comes back to that Kallie Kriel Kak (read KKK). Once again South Africa debunked viral video’s claims about farm attacks.
They were dismantled, unsupported by data or research. Trump’s take: a gift for the Afrikaner Solidariteit emerged as he declared South African Afrikaners the only people eligible for US refugee status. This will no doubt come as an immense relief to those besieged by… checks notes… the dire threat of BEE and heritage braai regulations. A bold, if bewildering, foreign policy masterstroke, which is mooted by the opening of #Walmart in this country. Quintessential Americanism is doing just fine here in South Africa.
Back to the G20 and Thumper
My feel-good story of the week is on any post issued by Merica about G20, South Africans have flooded comments with the funniest content you’ll see all week. Enjoy. We’ve been replaced by Poland in the G20 apparently. The G20 idea was ours, we are a founding member of G20 but still got kicked out. It doesn’t matter, no one is going to give us more money, we’ve exhausted all twenty anyway. Jokes on you, Thumper.
I’ve long run out of words and I haven’t even spoken about #MKParty and the exodus of members this week. Lucky ‘Tall Trains’ Montana was hoofed and then in a complete 180 degree turn around Duduzile Zuma was fired from MK, not for starting the #JulyInsurrection, that’s tame. She was trafficking men to fight in Russia. I don’t understand this story, is Russia so hard up for fighters that they’ll take us? Things can’t be going so good with Putin if he needs US?
Regardless, scary Duduzile has been replaced by her sister, Brumelda. This can’t be good. And then I didn’t tell you how the judge and prosecutors in the Senzo Meyiwa trial were threatened with their lives.
I’ve just enough space to tell you that Afrika Mayibuye Movement, Floyd’s new baba, has come up with a sheer novelty of a concept. They have announced a call for a Commission of Inquiry into Black Poverty. A bold move, likely involving years of testimony, a multi-billion-rand budget, and a beautifully bound final report that will make an excellent doorstop in 2032. A truly revolutionary programme of action, sure to strike fear into the heart of economic disparity.
I’m Tonya Khoury, founder of Acumen Media, and this week’s news cycle left me spinning. There’s only one thing for it. Sinking beneath the surface followed by a nice dinner with my ma. Take the weekend off, we made it to #Dezemba. Exhale… well almost.
